9/21/2006

Vanessa Yara

The Semi-Finals and the first episode.

Does the Semi-Final/Finals audition episode count as episode one? I don't know. The CW premiered its first show Wednesday night and it was two hours of ANTP. The first hour included something like 33 girls being whittled down to 13. And the second hour was the first episode.  
  
I really don't like this concept of audition episodes. I don't want to see that. What is the point? Then they have the nerve to call it the semi-finals, during which they narrow it down to 21 girls. If you are one of those 21 girls then you have entered the finals. And then finally, at the end of the first hour, we go from our final 21 to our winning 13 girls. Do you see what is wrong with this? Thirteen winners? And what do they win? They get to continue in the competition where one girl is eliminated every week. As I was seething over the mislabeling of these rounds, my friend pointed out that I don't know anything about sports and that if I did, I wouldn't be so upset. My friend then proceeded to compare the ATNM selection process to the elimination process ice skaters have to go through in order to make it to the Olympics. Her reasoning was they have to go through various local competitions before earning the right to take part in the greatest competition in the world. I don't give her comparison much credence because she had just dropped out of college that morning, thinks Jay Manuel would make an excellent husband and as of 8:36 that night had yet to have a meal. So what does she know?  
  
Anyway, the worst part of these audition episodes is seeing the girls they should have chosen. Like this 20-year-old mother of two named Evita. Sheesh, she even had a husband over in the war. This girl was perfect in so many ways. Between the constant grandstand about wanting "it" more because she actually left her babies back home, and the ever present sympathy vote over her husband out there fighting terror, this first lady even had hair all the way down her back. Can you imagine the makeover episode? That would have been awesome! They probably would have given her a platinum blond mohawk, but only after her perfectly timed meltdown which would have consisted of a hysterical phone call to her mama, her babies and to the president of the United States.  
  
The audition episode had another disturbing moment when the girls had to do a nude photo shoot. You know, I despise reality people as much as the next guy, but something about this humiliating challenge really rubbed me the wrong way. Call me old fashioned, but I don't think it is appropriate to ask a girl to strip when she's not even officially on the show. I mean she's not all up in the opening credits with her name splashed across her face while she's looking fierce. I know people would argue this is what you'd do if you really want "it." But I think that's crap. I say a girl shouldn't have to get naked until she is at least guaranteed an A story in some episode.  
  
So, Tyra chooses the 13 winners, err contestants. I've been watching ANTM since the beginning and this is one of the most disappointing seasons ever. I can't find one girl I'd like to see win. The last time this happened I just didn't bother to watch the season. I don't regret it one bit, which is more than I can say for Tyra's choice of Naima as the winner. I don't want to sound cruel, but this cycle's batch is fug.  
  
We have Anchal who sports one of the most obnoxious things on the planet: blue contacts. I hate her just for that. I understand the colonialism hit her hard but if I can fight the power so can she. Then we have Megg. Megg kind of reminds me of Ann from Cycle 3. You remember her right? She was the one that photographed ugly. Enough said. Oh, and Megg really needs to calm down. Jaeda is this cycle's masculine chick even though she is much prettier than the girl from Nicole's cycle. Eugenia is pretty in a boring way, which matches her personality. Brooke is also pretty, but in an obnoxious way especially because she delivers poorly timed and barely rhyming songs that she calls raps. There is AJ whom I've already completely forgotten. Megan, not to be confused with Meg, is pretty. Caridee is blonde. Monique, more on her later. Twins, Amanda and Michelle. These girls look like the poor man's version of Shandi from Cycle 2. The only difference is I adored Shandi and wanted her to win while these girls are just... I really don't want to be mean. Oh yeah, and Melrose who shortened her name from the lovely Melissa Rose. And, Christian, who wowed everyone at the auditions with her ability to strike any Tyra pose. It truly was impressive, if you're into that.  
  
The girls are immediately given a challenge. They watch a male model fashion show and then must rip the clothes off a male model and work it down the runway. Melissa Rose wins. Yes, I will refer to her by the name her mama gave her. Not out of principle, but simply because it is prettier.  
  
The girls then head over to the model house and discover it is short two beds. Monique doesn't have a bed and simply isn't having that so she decides to commandeer Eugenia's bed by spilling water all over it and claiming it is her urine. What is more disturbing is when Eugenia enters the scene she actually pats her hand on the wet spots while asking Monique why she would do that. Despite voluntarily touching what may be someone's urine, Eugenia takes the high road and lets Grossnique keep the bed.  
  
The next day, the models arrive for their first photo shoot. Jay Manuel tells them this is the most controversial shoot ever. He really said that. They are to act out model stereotypes that include, casting couch, anorexia, addict and my personal favorite, "the model who won't get out of bed for less than $10,000." Oh and Monique does a bad job as the model who throws her phone at her assistant.  
  
Since, Melissa Rose won the first challenge, her prize is an assistant for the day. Missy takes this way too seriously and is late for her turn to shoot. Well, Jay is not having that and he tells her so. She gets all haughty and talks about her make-up and massage running late. What?! I thought Jay was going to forget what show he's on, make a strange hand motion and tell her, "You're fired!" But Jay went and took the high road by politely telling her she was rude and unprofessional. Missy claims this freaked her out and that's why she had such a lousy shoot. Melissa Rose also claims to be 23-years-old, which means she's as good at modeling as she is at lying.  
  
Finally the elimination night arrives. Tyra gives the girls great advice that includes learning how to strike an "ugly pretty face." Christian and Melissa Rose land in the bottom two. Tyra tells Christian she is not popping strongly enough. OK. Tyra turns to Melissa Rose and tells her she has a bad attitude and even though she was given the greatest photo concept of the bunch (very true), she still turned in one of the worst shots. Tyra eliminates Christian. Christian is crying and I'm about to get really upset when all of a sudden, Melissa Rose drops to her knees in a state of rejoice. Please, all she is doing is shamelessly stealing Christian's elimination thunder. I despise Melissa Rose. I despise her so much I think she deserves that ugly abbreviation name she christened herself.  
  
So far, I have no clue who will win or even who will make it to the foreign country. I don't have a favorite but maybe that will change next week when, hopefully, Melrose is eliminated.