1/9/2009

Michael Pascua

Can Esther deal with pageants? Can Crystal survive free spirits? Will the husbands go crazy?

This week's *Wife Swap* swaps the Dusseau family and the Smith-Sniders. Our two extremes are "feminist/roller derby" and "all-American/pageant." Competition versus pacifism.  
  
The Dusseau family from Colorado consists of wife Crystal, husband Tim, and their two children. The children are 13-month-old Kaylee and seven-year-old Kyle. Both children have been involved in the pageant world. Kaylee has 12 pageant trophies and two crowns, while Kyle has 54 pageant trophies. Kaylee won her first trophy at the age of three months. Crystal calls her baby beautiful and puts makeup on her baby. She wants to make sure that her baby gets highlights. Kyle has now retired from doing pageants (boys retire at seven) and competes in wrestling. She claims that Kyle looked like "baby Jesus" when he was a child. The parents believe in name brands, tanning, and makeup. They also believe in the man providing and the woman doing the house chores. They emphasize competition in their family. Tim calls home-schooling crazy.  
  
The Smith-Snider family from Washington is made up of wife Esther, husband Eric, and their two daughters (Willow, 9, and Rowan, 6). Makeup is not even an issue with Esther because she lives a busy life as an ER doctor (100 hours a week). When she's not working, she unwinds as the *Esterminator* at the roller derby rink. She tackles without fear. Eric stays at home, works as a potter and keeps the house in order. She firmly believes in Eric's paternal skills. The kids are "unschooled" where the kids pick their own curriculum. In regards to their daughters, both parents would rather they enjoy life than focus all their attention on education or social skills. Individualism is a big idea for the children.  
  
It's the day of the swap and Crystal brings extra hair. Esther waves her family goodbye. Esther quickly sees a "Stepford" community where everything is beige and every other house is the same. Crystal sees a house that needs more care and repair. While exploring the houses, Crystal is weirded out, whereas Esther finds trophies and freaks out about the swimwear trophy.  
  
Week 1 is the original rule week. Esther starts getting worried after reading the words "pageant." Crystal realizes that the house is a mess because she works too much. Esther points out the whole appearance situation in the manual. Crystal calls Eric neutered. (Where do these people get casted from? *Reality television gold mines*.) Esther and Crystal disagree about almost everything.  
  
It's time to meet the husbands and children. Esther meets Tim and Kaylee. Crystal meets Willow, Rowan, and Eric. Her first impression on the children was of their bad clothing choices. Tim emphasizes appearances and dislikes how beaten down Esther looks. He brings her a set of clothes sprawled on the bed to show Esther her clothes. He emphasizes the hooker boots. She tries them on.  
  
"Sparkle" comes to Crystal and tells her that it's time for roller derby practice. Aww how cute, *Crystal and Sparkle* should just be friends for their namesakes. Crystal is scared on many parts as she straps on her protective gear. Crystal wipes out on the skates. She doesn't like the lack of family time.  
  
Esther has to bring Kyle to wrestling and she has to cheer him on or else according to Tim he will lose. Kyle wins and the other boy cries. At home Kyle shows off his trophies. Esther asks how he would feel if he loses, and Kyle would be "sad." Failure is part of life and Esther wants to emphasize it.  
  
Crystal wakes up early the next day to make sure that she looks good in the ER (how is that safe to have a non-doctor parading around in a hospital?). She adds the extra locks of hair to the back of her head and sprays. She grabs a lab coat and arrives to the hospital late. She's reprimanded.  
  
Esther has to make sure that the kids have makeup on and she starts working on chores. She gets on her knees to scrub the kitchen, while Tim stares at her. He gives the 50s mentality how the man is the stronger one who should provide. She is upset about how Tim views the sexes.  
  
While Eric unschools the kids, Crystal arrives and tries to debunk "unschooling" during lunch. She wants to know how the kids would succeed as doctors and Eric believes that the girls would go to a college where they didn't grade. Crystal thinks that the kids have no goals because of this.  
  
Tim wants to make sure that everyone is healthy. He admits to America that he finds overweight people unattractive. Esther has issues with the image situation and asks him what would happen if Crystal became allergic to peroxide and he answers, "Well, I don't think she uses peroxide." Esther tries to emphasize that tanning is unhealthy (she *is* a doctor). Tim doesn't know anyone who died of skin cancer (he has "friends" who haven't died yet). Esther calls Crystal a trophy.  
  
Crystal wants to know why the kids aren't competitive. Crystal asks one if she is into sports and she doesn't think it's important. Crystal thinks that Eric likes living in a bubble. Eric doesn't think that everything has to be competitive and in life not every job involves a ladder. Crystal tries her best to debunk him, but Eric is adamant with his beliefs.  
  
Kaylee has a beauty contest that Esther has to oversee. She calls the whole preparation time (to Tim) like "a dog show." He's upset. Esther walks Kaylee in but fails in walking Kaylee correctly. It turns out that Kaylee lost to a girl name Savannah. Esther tried her best, but they lost. Tim and Kyle are in tears.  
  
Crystal works at the clinic and she's become uncomfortable with the lack of home time. She confronts Eric. He explains that Esther is the breadwinner in the family. She doesn't see that Eric basically has the same exact job as she does. She calls Esther selfish for her roller-derby ways.  
  
On the flip side, it's Tim who confronts Esther for losing the pageant. Did they ever think that Savannah may have been really good? Esther admits to not knowing what exactly to do, but she put as much effort into it as she could. She doesn't value baby pageants and she tried. Tim doesn't get why she doesn't value it. Esther thinks that life isn't about trophies.  
  
*Week 2.* It's rule change time! Esther and Crystal write down their rules. And they are summoned.  
  
**Crystal:** She calls Eric a "wuss" and she will be the mother. The girls are unsure. Crystal decides to give the girls a test to see what grade level they are at. Crystal makes the kids join a sports team. Willow and Rowan are going to be enrolled in a pageant. The girls don't want to and Eric tries to stand up for them.  
  
**Esther:** Esther (in her roller derby gear) calls Tim pushy and the family losers. Tim refutes calling the family "achievers." Esther decides to ban competition and give Kaylee new non-pageant clothes. Esther makes Tim a house husband. Esther wants the trophies out and she will teach physical activities that don't have winners or losers. Tim thinks that life is a game. The girls will also join a cheerleading practice. Tim has a penalty box that has a loser sash and hooker boots as penalties.  
  
Crystal decides to go for the make-over for the two girls. She gives them clothes that the world will accept and Eric is upset.  
  
Kyle and Tim have to pack up the trophies. Tim tries to guilt Esther, but Kyle seems okay with it. He keeps one trophy each for the kids and puts it back in the room. *Buzz.* He gets the loser sash placed on him for breaking the rules. Esther believes that Tim thinks the world revolves around Tim. She shuts him out and walks away.  
  
Crystal wakes the girls up early to dress them. She talks to Eric that she wants the girls tested. Eric doesn't want any of it and Crystal doesn't understand that if he believes that the girls are intelligent then why they don't take the test. She calls him crazy and walks away.  
  
Esther skips the primping of children and bans brand name clothes. People can be proud without labels. Tim calls her a purse. Tim also thinks that Kaylee will make a good accessory.  
  
Eric tries to give the girls a quick math lesson, but Crystal comes in to try to teach them pageant stuff. Crystal wants to make sure the girls are okay. She calls him a weenie and walks away. Eric is "creepy" to her.  
  
Esther puts the hooker boots on Tim and makes him clean. Eric waddles around with the heels on and scrubs the floor. He continues to waddle in the boots, but respects that Crystal does it.  
  
Crystal brings the girls to a modeling agency. Crystal wants to bring the girls into evaluations by herself but Eric wants to come in. The girls want him there and he comes. The girls read some things on a camera, but Crystal is still uncomfortable. They then prep to cheerleading practice. Eric wants to tag along. The girls practice while Eric watches. The girls enjoy themselves.  
  
Esther wants Tim and Kyle to write down things that they like about Crystal that has nothing to do with her appearance. She's hard working, smiles, is fun, and other things are mentioned. They are taped to a mirror.  
  
Eric agrees to play some flag football without the girls around. He's excited about the adult interaction.  
  
Esther tries to teach roller skating, a non competitive sport. While on break she asks Kyle if he wants to keep wrestling. He says no and likes play time (which he doesn't get). Tim gets upset and tries to force Kyle to keep trying.  
  
Crystal preps the girls for the competition. The girls walk out in dresses and answer cute questions a little too curt. The winner is a girl named "Brooklyn." I love how these kids with cities for names keep winning. The girls get comforted, but Eric understood that he should trust the girls and have fun.  
  
Esther wants Kyle to paint how he feels when he wrestles. He paints the word "sab" (which means "sad"). Kyle admits that wrestling isn't something that he doesn't like. It was tough for him. Tim realizes that maybe he shouldn't force Kyle.  
  
Eric and Crystal reflect. Crystal realized how much fun the girls had when they didn't win. She realized that she shouldn't have been so upset when Kyle loses. She gets the girls a trophy for the time that they had. It boosts the girl's feelings.  
  
It's the last day for the swap and the mothers say goodbye. They kiss and leave. The couples are reunited to big hugs and lifts. There's some intense kissing.  
  
*Confrontation Time*! Esther was very uncomfortable with the pageant idea especially on babies. Crystal calls her children dirty and disheveled. Esther is actually okay with that. Crystal calls Esther too hard of a worker; Esther thinks nothing wrong of having personal time. Crystal still doesn't get "unschooling" and at one point Tim flips on Eric for calling Crystal unfit for leaving her young baby. Eric apologizes and regrets his choice of words. Esther thinks that the level of competition is too high and the family is superficial. Crystal admits to being superficial. The girls had fun at the pageant and it made Crystal realize that she lost the fun. Crystal learned a lot from the experience. The couples hug.  
  
The mothers reunited and some time passes. Esther threw an "inner beauty" pageant. Everyone wins! Eric got some time away. The two joined a gym. Crystal makes sure that the competitions are about fun. Tim teaches Kaylee about cars, but wants to make sure that she's clean. Crystal does most of the chores but dressed down. Tim helps occasionally. He emerges again waddling in the hooker boots to the applause of America.