10/12/2009

in

In a new column, I will be reviewing some of the worst movies ever created and mocking them mercilessly for your enjoyment.

Rachel Kolb

BAD MOVIE OF THE WEEK: "Knowing" (2009)  
  
S.A. (SELF-AWARENESS) RATING: 1, Completely Unaware  
  
"Knowing" is a pathetic little turd of a movie, the red-headed stepchild of "Signs" and "The Da Vinci Code," a film that was obviously passed from writer to writer until it lost any evidence of originality or even rational thought. How did I come to see this sad little excuse for cinema? Well, my roommate's parents were in town, and they bought everyone tickets. I am a self-confessed movie addict, and even if I know a film will be terrible, I can never turn down a free ticket. I am a fat kid, and free movie tickets are double cheeseburger Happy Meals with extra fries. Sure, I know that greasy goodness might kill me, but what kind of crazy person turns down a free toy?  
  
So onto the rundown  
  
RUNDOWN  
  
"Knowing" opens with a creepy little possessed girl who writes a bunch of numbers on a letter that goes in her school's time capsule. Years later, the time capsule is dug up, and Nicholas Cage's kid gets the girl's letter. Of course, Nicky is a numbers expert and a pastor's son who has lost his faith. (Getting the "Signs" vibe?) He cracks the elaborate code during a great montage sequence involving lots of dry-erase boards and menacing-looking numbers. Nicky discovers that the letter predicts every major catastrophe of recent years and specifies the number of casualties, and being the film's hero, Nicky takes it upon himself to show up at the next disaster and save everyone. After that, the movie moves from a predictable-but-enjoyable summer disaster movie into a big ol' mess. When he fails to stop the predicted disasters, Nicky stalks the creepy girl's daughter for awhile, aliens with flashlight mouths show up, the world ends, and Nicky's son and the creepy girl's granddaughter repopulate the human race on a strange planet with wavy grain, a giant tree, and a couple of bunnies.I am not exaggerating. "Knowing" is that bad.  
  
HIGHLIGHTS  
  
1\. The movie opens with a creepy little girl, and creepy little girls are completely unpredictable. This one freaks out over scary numbers. She had potential, but the writers squandered it.  
  
2\. Nicholas Cage's moments of realization are always a good time. Throughout the movie, however, his level of shock continues to go up and up, never giving Nicky a valley of normalcy to work with. He keeps finding new ways to look surprised.  
  
3\. Nicholas Cage promises his son that he is never going to die. Liar!  
  
4\. The shoddy explanation for the sun killing the earth and Nicky's solution to hide in the caves. Really? The sun is going to destroy the earth, but they will be safe if they make it to the caves? Come on.  
  
5\. Right before the sun kills the earth, Nicky follows the aliens into the woods and runs into the creepy girl's granddaughter and his son, both of whom have a white rabbit. Why a white rabbit? Are the aliens bribing the children to come with them? Don't they know about "stranger danger?"  
  
DON'T MISS!  
  
My friend Anita has a cow flashlight from Fisher Price, and when she hits the on-button, the cow's mouth opens and light floods out. The aliens/angels/possible horsemen of the Apocalypse are similarly equipped. Check out the Fisher Price flashlight [here,](http://www.amazon.com/Barnyard-Basics-Farm-Lights-Flashlight/dp/B000NQ63TS) and check out the "Knowing" aliens [here](http://photos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs231.snc1/7824_558561246774_15302612_32835723_786433_n.jpg), [here](http://photos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs211.snc1/7824_558561251764_15302612_32835724_5225206_n.jpg), and [here](http://photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs211.snc1/7824_558561256754_15302612_32835725_2973165_n.jpg).  
  
STAND-OUT PERFORMANCES  
  
Nicholas Cage has been fighting for a come-back for years, and he plays his character with all the constipated dramatic tension he can muster. Throughout the film, he spans every emotion from slightly anxious to extremely concerned. However, most of his character's biggest moments are over the phone, so with no one to play off of, most of his scenes play out like this:  
  
Nicholas Cage: (Screaming into his cell phone) Everyone is going to die! Do you understand? Everyone will die! I'M SERIOUS!  
  
As you can see, the screenwriters are at fault here. Nicholas Cage could have won the Oscar for "Knowing," if only he would have had someone to interact with other than his cell phone.  
  
FINAL SUMMARY  
  
"Knowing" is a bad movie that has no idea it is a bad movie. The best kinds of bad movies are those that are self-aware and play up the best parts of the bad movie genre, from the ridiculous plot lines to the clichéd stock characters and the over-the-top acting. "Knowing" has some of these qualities, but they are not played up enough to qualify this movie as a fun bad movie.  
  
SEE IT, SKIP IT:  
  
Skip it! Bury this movie in a time capsule alongside "Wicker Man" and "National Treasure 2."
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