4/2/2008

Joe Cristalli

Oregon man set to give birth in July.

There was a time I was worried about whether or not I'd ever get married. Would I ever have a family and have kids to hang out with? What happens if it never happens? Well, there's finally light at the end of my long, lonely tunnel. I no longer need to worry about finding the right woman, 'cause the right woman may actually be right under my nose. Maybe she's within me? Creepy, right?  
  
For anyone living in a cave for the past couple months, I need to get the word out on a Mr. Thomas Beatie. I use the term "Mr." as loosely as possible. Mr. Beatie has finally done what many men have dreamed, but none have accomplished. The man is pregnant, and good news, it's a girl! Apparently, Beatie was born a woman, but after undergoing surgery to remove his breasts, and a whole mess of male hormone pills later, Beatie has gotten married and now plans to have his family grow a little bigger. Since Beatie's partner, Nancy, had an emergency hysterectomy some years back, she has been unable to conceive, thus Beatie has taken it upon "himself" to take care of the slight hiccup.  
  
Now, I'm all for gay rights and I think a person should be able to marry whoever they want. What ruffles my metaphorical feathers is the idea of a baby coming out of a dude. When I think about the progressions science has made over the year, I'm always a little inclined to think about what's next. Cloning a person? Time travel? Some kind of alcoholic pizza? What usually doesn't cross my mind is the excitement of some middle aged guy with four days worth of a beard, cursing at the umpire during the Yankee game going into labor. "Hey Carl, you see that last play, that bum made the wrong call ag... holy sh\*t, my water broke. Ha, check this out. Un-freakin' believable. Quick, let me get a shot of Jack."  
  
There's a reason men don't have babies. We don't have that motherly instinct. Breastfeeding seems like it'd be a bit uncomfortable, plus, ya know, a baby coming out of your body. I thought getting kicked in the nuts was enough to steer any man away from wanting to give birth. Clearly, someone doesn't value their valuables as much as I do.  
  
Now, will the child grow up healthy? Probably. Will it have supportive parents? My guess is most likely. The problem only really lies when the kid gets to high school and someone finds out that this sweet little girl came out of her father. If the kids in high school are as clever as I was, it might suit Beatie to home school his little miracle. Man, I hope this guy doesn't get the Nobel Prize. Science has just taken a giant and creepy step backwards.