9/9/2005

Randy Rants

Don't Play the Blame Game

I keep hearing these godless, heathen, unamerican America-Haters, calling for due dilligence in the wake of the destruction of New Orleans. I can best rebutt them by crying "Stop pointing fingers!" Proudly, I am echoing the president's press secretary--except he calls it "playing the blame game." I would truly feel ashamed of myself for asking anyone to take responsibility for their actions, (or inactions, as the case may be.)  
  
It would be wrong to hold anyone responsible or to get rid of anyone who's doing a piss-poor job right in the middle of that job. Why, it would be like replacing an incompetent ferryboat captain halfway to Staten Island... wait, that's not a good example. I mean it would be like replacing the faulty oxygen system on a Boeing 737 before it gets over that next hill... no, wait, I've got a better one. It would be like making steaks out of Mrs. O'Leary's cow before... never mind. You get the idea.  
  
In the White House press briefing, Scott McClellan said over and over that this was not the time for answers. This was the time to stay focused on the task at hand. He stated that if we ask questions we take people away from their important disaster relief jobs for pesky, childish reasons. There will be time in the nebulous future for finding out what went RIGHT and what went wrong. At that point, some reporter, who obviously hates America and loves Michael Moore, said, "And there are people in Louisiana and Mississippi who are doing that job very well. Your job is to answer the questions." To which McClellen pithily replied, "And I have." By which he actually meant, "F off, you pinko commie! I am the Metatron, Voice of Bush, and I shall now repay you all for giving me wedgies in 7th grade!"  
  
Good for him, I say. Now is not the time for pointing fingers at the President. In fact, the only appropriate time to point a finger at President Bush is when somebody asks, "Who ordered the crown and scepter?" The best thing we can do now is to not ask, nor answer any questions. Did Abraham ask questions when God told him to sacrifice his son? Hell, no! Abraham was a good American! So should we be any different when the president, through his Metatron, tells us to shut up and do something constructive? Of course not. Luckily for us, the President is cannier than all those socialist reporters working for their socialist papers and socialist networks (except FOX -- the only fair and balanced news in the entire universe). He knows that it will be years before New Orleans is back to normal, if ever, and can keep saying that it's not the time for questions or blaming or (God forbid) taking responsibility... indefinitely. Why, the water supply alone is so poisoned that it will be a couple of years before it's cleaned up to pre-Katrina levels. We can get a lot of not-blaming done in two years.  
  
Also, as much as all Good Americans hate it, there is liable to be some other catastrophe before we get through in New Orleans. Then, we'll have to stay focused on that task- and the one after that- and the one after that. Just from a statistical standpoint, if you look at history, America has been busy with one crisis after another since God created us, so no president is likely to ever have to own up to anything. Any Good American President, that is. Obviously, if there is the slightest hint that a D\*m\*cr\*t or (I shudder to think of it) an Ind\*p\*nd\*nt is incompetent, they should be hung, drawn, quartered, burned in effigy and ridiculed on FOX.  
  
Personally, I hope all the Good Americans reading this can forgive all those misguided individuals for panicking and asking questions. I know, of course, that my government is sacrosanct and that I should ask not what my government can do for me, but what I can do for my government. I'm a little shaken up by the whole thing, but after I've repeated my mantra a few times I'll be good as new.  
  
"The President is not here to serve my needs. The President and those who speak for him are here to tell me what to do and how to do it. Amen."